Inside the Mind of Me:

so, tuesday night i had to go to the hospital. I woke up because i could hardly breathe; it hurt to take anything more than really shallow breaths. get to the hospital, and after telling them what the problem was, have to wait hours before anything happens. i guess that meant i wasn't dying, so that's good. they did an ekg, an x-ray, and bloodwork, but couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. sent me home with orders to rest and take ibuprofen. cut to yesterday. i was feeling a lot better, but it still hurt to take deep breaths. i work in the morning, no problems. go to a bonfire thinking i can't possibly hurt myself there, well.....did i mention that it hurts to laugh? it does. a lot. and i'm hanging out with some crazy people. about a half hour into the bonfire, one of my friends has me on the ground i'm laughing so hard. i get shooting pain through my lung and think "oh shit what did i just do??" Turns out i'm ok. More than ok, actually, because now i can breath normal again with absolutely no pain. My conclusion was that I had dislocated my rib, and because of all the pressure from laughing, somehow re-located it. Either way, I felt a million times better and was able to enjoy the rest of the night. When I finally got home however, i was starting to feel sore again and i could feel gurgling in what seemed to be my lung. oh, and i was feeling really short of breath. great....just what i need. the gurgling increased when i lied down, so i arranged my pillows to keep my upper body elevated as much as possible, and went to sleep. maybe i should have gone to the hospital again, idk, but i really didn't feel like dealing with it at night again. anyways, i wake up this morning and the gurgling is gone. excellent! the bad news is that i'm still short of breath, and whenever i take a deep breath i get a new pain that feels like a needle is being shoved into my lung. so i STILL have no idea what the hell's wrong with me.

....sometimes more than i would like it to. Tonight I saw 27 Dresses with Emily and Heather, and it was a really good movie. I've always been one for love stories. However, lately movies like this have been making me sad, as well. I realized today that i'm not ok with certain things, as badly as i want to be, or even thought that maybe i was. on top of that, i'm as confused as ever about how i feel. It's times like this that I wish I could control my feelings better. So with a combination of that, and just being lonely in general, the movie just kind of got me down. I was fine being single for a while, but i was in love once, a few years ago, and i miss it. so much. i want to have that feeling of being around someone, and being just completely and utterly happy for the sole reason that i'm around them. i want to have butterflies every single time i kiss someone, no matter how many times i have kissed them. i want someone have those feelings back for me too (which apparently didn't happen the first time). I just really want to be in love and loved back, so much more than i want anything else.

Current Mood: lonely

It's starting to sink in that winter break is almost over. I've been ready to go back to oswego since day one, and see my awesome friends again, and while i'm still extremely excited about it....i'm gonna miss my job and the incredible kids i work with. i always do. it kind of hit me today, though, realizing there's just two more days left with them. every day has been exciting, whether we're cooking, or going to gym, or watching a movie, or just even regular school activities like math class. for the most part, all the kids have fun and like to joke around. we just got a new student this week, and she threw a snowball at me :P. and for those of you that i've told about rebecca, good news: she hasn't swallowed anything in about a month, which is a HUGE improvement because she had been swallowing about every couple days. we celebrated her birthday today, which was a big deal for her because her socialization skills aren't always the best. she wanted to go to emery park to walk around, and it was gorgeous. it had finally stopped snowing, the sun was out and bright, and the air was crisp and completely calm. the snow on the trees was so pretty, and i wish our walk could have been longer. after we got back to the school we watched the princess bride. i was surprised how many of the kids had already seen it, and happy that it was one of their favorite movies, because it's one of mine, too. i'm gonna miss them a lot, but at least i have the summer to look forward to.

Current Mood: contemplative

I was cleaning my room today, and found stuff I had written in *i think* third grade (either that or fourth) that my teacher had mailed me earlier this year. I decided to post it, because it's kind of funny what a second-grader writes about :P.  I hope they amuse you as much as they amused me!

Because i'm under strict orders to actually write something in here...my friend and i have a story :P. it might be slightly exaggerated.

so the day started off normal with me sleeping on the couch. then all of a sudden, the phone rang and woke me up. who could it be?? my long lost friend rachel, calling to see if i wanted to go to a christmas party. i questioned this for a moment because christmas was, of course, four days previous. but i just ignored it, because it's rachel. i had some stuff to do before heading over, like vacuuming and some other cleaning, but that was quickly accomplished. i hurried over to her grandma's house, because that's where the party was being held. once i got there her grandmother put me right to work. i had orders to decorate the bathrooms with christmas towels. after that, rachel and i sampled some choir punch (containing whiskey), and were under strict orders not to have more than 2 glasses if we were driving. her grandmother, however, said that she could handle 30. crazy grandma june! soon the guests started to arrive, one old person after another, parading into the house and grouping around the food. this was all fine and dandy for the time being, because rachel and i weren't yet hungry. we wanted to avoid the guests though because they were old and liked to talk. a lot. and because they were old, talking required yelling. so we went into the study to hide and catch up like old times. after about 45 minutes of talking, our stomachs decided they wanted food. so we went out to the kitchen, only to find that one entrance to the dining room was blocked by an old man who looked like he was ready to keel over at any second. we tried going around through the living room, but that way was barred off as well. apparently old people like food. we decided it was time to break out our secret ninja skills. we hadn't used them since high school graduation (that's another story all on its own). we decided to barrel roll through the living room, taking out a couple old women as we went along. we ducked behind the christmas tree and planned to sneak along the wall. this was all to no avail, though. there were just too many old people to compete with our skills. the smell itself was unbearable. it was a combination of depends and liz claiborne. we were forced to retreat to the basement, where we played guitar hero III at earsplitting levels, in order to draw some guests downstairs. they came down to check on the noise, but were drawn instead to the giant train set. we dashed upstairs and locked the door. i don't know if JR made it out alive (rachel's younger brother). The entrance to the kitchen was still blocked, as not everyone had migrated downstairs. we crept along the floor inconspicuously, army style. we noticed that the path was clear, and ran like hell to the food table. pickings were scarce, but we managed to get enough so we would have energy to play a game of checkers, which i won, and battleships, which i also won. i had a lot of luck, and some help from JR. I don't how many old people are still alive down there, but every few minutes rachel and i hear scratching at the door. OH MY GOD! ONE OF THEM JUST BROKE OUT! he looks pretty crazed, probably had too much choir punch. rachel and i have to go catch him and throw him back downstairs. bye!

Current Location: Rachel's grandma's, hamburg, ny
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: no doubt, just a girl

I LOVE YOU TOO JEREMY :X

omg, the past couple of days have been insane! i don't think i've been in my room for more than an hr, except to sleep, and when i cleaned my room (which, amazingly, is still clean!!) been hanging out w/ashley and tim, some great times there!!! lol, omg, we took a trip to the mall today (ok, technically yesterday), and it was frigging awesome! that place is huge, 3 full stories, and some higher for the movie theater. it was so much fun! the busride home, we didn't know if we were gonna make it back to oswego, the transmission gave out once, and almost did a bunch more times. it was hilarious! and then we watched saw today, god, that is a disturbing movie. i love how ash and tim get scared so easily, it cracks me up (sorry, guys, but it really is funny, lol). movie night w/ash later today, after i get some much needed rest.

Current Mood: chipper

I imed dan yesterday, and i got the strangest response:

sccrqn819 (3:25:42 PM): ya jerk, you had to get online as i called, didn't you
sccrqn819 (3:25:43 PM): lol
Bob81818 (3:26:31 PM): Who the hell are you?
sccrqn819 (3:26:43 PM): ?
sccrqn819 (3:26:49 PM): what are you talking about
sccrqn819 (3:26:51 PM): it's julia
sccrqn819 (3:26:56 PM): you know that
Bob81818 (3:28:25 PM): I know two girls who's name is Julia.
Bob81818 (3:28:46 PM): Niether of them have that screen name.
sccrqn819 (3:28:58 PM): dude, you've talked to me online plenty of times before
sccrqn819 (3:29:12 PM): i know your memory isn't that bad
sccrqn819 (3:31:44 PM): i can prove you know me
Bob81818 (3:32:00 PM): Who do you think your talking to anyway?
sccrqn819 (3:32:06 PM): dan
sccrqn819 (3:32:19 PM): same person that always uses this sn
sccrqn819 (3:33:57 PM): who else would it bwe
sccrqn819 (3:34:02 PM): *be
Bob81818 (3:37:32 PM): Well this is Dave. Youve got the wrong screen name or something.
sccrqn819 (3:38:03 PM): so i've been talking to dan, on the wrong sn, for the past year? explain how the hell that happens
Bob81818 (3:39:51 PM): Ya know what. someone else Instant Messaged me earlier this week asking for dan. Maybe he deleted his screen name.
sccrqn819 (3:40:10 PM): and why would he do that
Bob81818 (3:40:29 PM): And I'd love to stay and chat, but your a total bitch. Goodbye.
“Bob81818” signed off at 3:40:33 PM.

At first I thought dan was just messing around w/my mind, cuz he likes to do that, but then when he called me a total bitch and signed off, i completely freaked out, and almost broke down crying. I really don't think it was him that i talked to, cuz he wouldn't just leave w/o saying he was joking, and he definitely wouldn't have been so mean. I tried calling him, though, and left a message on his cell telling him i needed to ask him something and to call me back, and i haven't heard from him (which is really weird, cuz when i tell him i need to talk to him, he's always called back in the past). and as for him deleting his sn, rachel told me that if you delet one, it's not available for 6 months afterwords. So i'm completely confused, because i truly don't think that dan would do anything like this, but then the question is: who did? i doubt he would have given his password to anyone, and i don't think even if they did they'd be such a complete jerk to one of his friends. i just wish i could get in touch w/him to ask him about it, cuz it really upset me :'(

Current Mood: distressed

wow, it's been months since i've written in here! so much has happened, and i wish i could put it all in. i'm a big college girl now! lol. it's a lot of work, but it's not too bad. the sunsets up here at oswego are absolutely gorgeous! even though it's so nice, i still miss all my friends (you know who you are). i really miss dan. so much has happened between us the past couple of months, and we've become so close. he's become my best friend, and if i have a problem, i know i can just talk to him and it will cheer me right up, no matter what. god knows i want to go out w/him, but i know it's not gonna happen (of course i keep hoping, and maybe something will happen someday, but i doubt it), so i'm content just being friends w/him. and what about work? amazingly enough, i miss it too. all the people there were wonderful, and so funny. this past weekend i went home to visit everyone, which was a blast, but i didn't get to stop down at work to talk to everyone. oh well, maybe next time.

today i'm in a good mood, but i don't know why. anyway, got some important news. i got accepted to fredonia and oswego! and oswego gave me a $17,600 presidential scholarship to be used over 4 years! now all i have to wait for is news from rit. wish me luck!

Current Mood: energetic

k, first off, let me make it aware to everyone in the world how much of a moron i am. After play practice yesterday, i go to my van to drive me and sara home, and run into a major problem: my van won't start!!! and you know why? because me, the idiot, left the lights on for about 2 hrs, and it killed the batteries. Now, this was not entirely my fault, b/c i normally drive our malibu, which has automatic lights. i never have to worry about turning them off when i leave the vehicle. but, either way, i'm incredibly stupid! lol

second, why do people have to be so possessive about their boyfriends? yes, i am talking about chrissy. yesterday, i went into school to work on a ceramics project, and i see chrissy and dan. so, i decide to go talk to them, despite knowing chrissy would yell at me for absolutely no reason. why did i do this? not really sure, but i know it was a BIG mistake. As usual, chrissy told dan not to talk to me, so i asked if i could at least talk to her (mistake number 2). she said, "no. your not my friend any more because you drove dan to school when i asked you not to." k, first off, she hasn't been acting like my friend since dan and i became friends. second, as i explained to her more than once, and tried to yet again, that i drove him to school for a board meeting that is required for our PIG class, and if i hadn't, he wouldn't have been able to go. but does chrissy care about that? of course not. she won't get past the fact that i drove him, even though if i hadn't, he would have gotten a really bad grade. but apparently, his grades don't matter as long as i stay away from him. and what is it hurting? chrissy couldn't give me a reason, except that she doesn't want me near him. yet again, what is it hurting? do i seem like someone that would steal someone's boyfriend? i guess i do to her, but she's completely wrong. first, it's completely against my morals, and second, if i did steal him away, i would feel so completely guiltly that i wouldn't be able to live with myself. chrissy really needs to calm down.

Current Mood: frustrated

why does crap happen to the things that u work really hard on? I spent about three weeks working on my canopic jar for ceramics, and it broke. on the top, i had drama masks and a ribbon coming off each one. when it was fired, though, the ribbons fell off. hopefully, i can glue it back together. i need it for my college portfolio really bad.

Current Mood: aggravated

well, finally got the letter telling me what part i got in the play. not sure whether to be excited or dissapointed. i mean, i wasn't expecting a big part, but i at least wanted a solo. after all, i CAN sing (at least that's what everyone tells me). instead, they give me chearleader/beauty school angel. a chorus part. they seem determined to not only keep me just in the chorus, but stick me in a poodle skirt every year i'm in the play. And i'm NNNNNNOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT a chearleader! oh well, didn't really want to do grease to begin with. we won the kenny's, got $5,000, which doubles our budget, and finally, for the first year ever, have enough money to do les miserables. but no, we have to do grease, which everyone has seen anyways. we can't be original, and we have to pick something in which singing ability is not a very big part. whatever. it better be fun, cuz i don't want a crappy play for senior year.

Current Mood: indifferent

k, all u people that know about dave, he's making me really uncomfortable. Today during the code red, we all had to get in a corner. so anyways, dave goes to the same corner as me, and stands right next to me really close. then he asks me, "Are u dressed up like a hot, sexy b**** for halloween? cuz i think u are." he kept nudging me and poking me, and had the nerve to stick his finger in my pocket! i was ready to kill him. what the hell is wrong with him? first, i don't like him and he should know it. second, he supposedly has a fiance, so y would he do this to ne one? if u people want to yell at him, go right ahead. i would have, but i'm not good at the confrontation thing. i did tell him to stop, tho! (yay for me!lol)

god, y did cooper give us such a long project? i mean, as if it's not hard enough for us to find info on 1 company, she makes us do 2. this is gonna take forever!!! also, any suggestions on my crush situation would be greatly appreciated, since no one has really given me any advice except not to tell his girlfriend (which is kinda obvious, cuz she'd kill me)

today, i get lock up at work! how exciting! not really, i'm doing the same thing i do every night, plus lock the doors. i get to be in charge, though. the only problem is that my boss hasn't given me a key to lock up with yet.

hey everyone! welcome to my journal. you get to here all of my probs, yay for you! lol. well, if ne one wants to help me w/my probs, heres one: i like this guy (no, i'm not talking about john), but he already has a girlfriend, who is also my friend. it's driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!! i feel really guilty, too. i mean, what if she finds out i like him and hates me for it? it's not like i planned to have a crush on him.

Current Mood: guilty